New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
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crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks