Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.