My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
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In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.