Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
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taking June’s advice to heart
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Sing it!
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.