George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
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“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.