I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone