An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?