my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
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Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
is this store having a stroke wtf
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Customize Your Wedding.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup