if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
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[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Name another movie that mislead you?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕