[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
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[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Children of the corn 🌽
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.