The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
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I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*