YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
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*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.