I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
You Might Also Like
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
yeah no that’s fair
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I am HOWLING at this
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago