“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
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Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.