Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
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I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Candles never taste the way they smell
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?