At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I’m a self-made hundredaire
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.