Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
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*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school