Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
A small tragedy.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?