TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
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It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
#merica
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*