Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?