Birds & Planes.
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[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Perfect.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit