9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
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Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa