I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Friday
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.