me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Who knew!
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Good Morning.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu