Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.