[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring