I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
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Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too