Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
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OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*