My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
was Jim off killing horses or…
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.