This is my cat’s medicine.
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A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
cats when you pet them too long:
*jazz hands*
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.