Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
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if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently