“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
That time Alicia messaged me
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I’m not stressed