[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
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As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
is this a warning or an offer?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.