Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
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Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
This makes total sense…
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough