(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
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Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Cool shirt 🙂
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
When someone trying to leave me
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT