I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
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A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Oh my God.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*