Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
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Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall