Essential viewing in these troubled times.
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my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]