[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send