I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?