Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
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Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Risking my life for fun.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.