Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
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my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
me when i see my girls butt
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.