My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
You Might Also Like
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…