[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
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When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
i really liked this one
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Breaking news:
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!