Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
*mops up wine with cat*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
The Compass
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.