Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple