Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
You Might Also Like
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Customer is always right
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf