It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day