I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
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Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”