MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
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you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
When someone trying to leave me
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”